How to adventure correctly

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Adventures do not just happen on their own. You have to seek out adventure, plan for it, work for it, be prepared for it, and do your best not to die or scream at your family throughout. 

Below are some tips, tricks, maxims, and bits of advice to help you do adventures better and with fewer snags, drags, meltdowns, and blow-ups. These apply to virtually any type of adventure, trip, vacation, jaunt, or festival. Especially with children.

We happened to be on a small adventure when I began jotting these down, so many of these items were top of mind, and my family chimed in with their own entries, and oofda the list got long pretty quickly.

​Here it is: 
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The Definitive Yet Ever-Expanding List of Tips, Tricks, and Maxims That Are Guaranteed To Improve Your Adventuring And Increase Your Adventure Satisfaction, Presented In No Particular Order (or just “TDYEELOTTAMTAGTIYAAIYASPINPO” for short)

• You can have only 1.5 adventures per day. You’ll probably try to plan for 2-3 every day. No.
  
  Heed my words: It will take forever to get everyone out the door after breakfast, and you’ll already be running late by then. You’ll need to use Heavy Snacks [see below] to drag the crew through Adventure 1 and into a late lunch. Lunch will take a lot longer than expected. By the time lunch is over, most of your group will need a nap.
  
  This is the ideal time for Adventure 0.5. You can peel off with the few who would rather go see the thing or take the hike or ride the ride, and return in time for dinner, at which time the nappers will slowly regain consciousness. Do not attempt to have any adventures after dinner, beyond mayyyyybe a fun dessert stop.
  
  If you force some type of “late night” adventure, like observing bioluminescent crabs mating in the ocean at 1am, you need to understand that it will count towards the next day’s adventure total.  
• Every adventure needs an Adventure Captain. This is the person who does most of the planning and research, books most of the lodging, buys the tickets for the things, and maintains the daily schedule of 1.5 adventures and meals. This job is thankless, but it must be done.  
• There will be meltdowns and blow-ups. Endure them with grace, as these too shall pass.
• Allow your adventure crew members to take naps when they need them.
• Everything takes longer than you think it will. No seriously. Everything. Meals, bathroom breaks, deciding where to eat, everything.
• Dress appropriately: Include one change of underwear. Ensure optimal footwear. Bring a jacket (and be prepared to give it to an adventure crew member who underestimated the cold). Always be equipped with a proper adventure hat.
• Kids only care about McDonald's and playgrounds, regardless of the location or continent.
• Whenever possible, engage in breakout side adventures with subsets of your adventure crew. These will likely be the most meaningful, bonding, and cherished memories of your adventures. Examples: 
  • Ride the extra tall roller coaster with your nephew. 
  • Sit down for tea at that cool place with your great aunt. 
  • Pop into the Americanized toy shop with your daughter because she wants to buy a fidget spinner or whatever. 
  • Make a beer run with your dad.
  • Go with your mom when she takes all the kids to feed the ducks or invade a playground or whatever. 
  • Make a beer run with your cousin’s friend.
  • Enjoy a sunset walk with your romantic partner. 
  • Make a beer run with literally anyone who will go with you.
• Feel free to steal away by yourself for rest, reflection, personal adventure, or [other].
• You will probably either take not enough stuff or too much stuff. Probably too much stuff. How many French horns do I need for the weekend?, you’ll find yourself wondering. Except in very specific cases, the answer is zero. You need zero French horns for the weekend.
• My wife suggests bringing a book. But that's because she's a momcat, and instead of having the half adventure in the late afternoon (remember, you get only 1.5 per day), she's definitely going to read a book and take a nap. [Note: In response to this entry, she added that a book is perfect and ideal because even if things get canceled or whatever, you can still have a literary adventure. What a nerd.]
• Plan ahead for booze. This includes all related containers, cups, glasses, and openers. 
• Stay hydrated, but beware of bathroom limitations.
• Never pass up a chance to take a leak. [Credit: Tom K.]
• The Heavy Snack is your best friend. It will carry you and your loved ones across many a finish line. [What constitutes a Heavy Snack? A volume of caloric intake that is more than a regular snack but smaller than a full meal.] 
• Never underestimate the power of a well-timed shot of caffeine.
• Don't forget to bring ibuprofen.
• You're going to have to stand in line and pay for parking. Just do it. 
• You’re going to have to pay more for tickets than you expected. Just do it.
• You’ll only remember the good parts anyway.
• And if there are very bad parts, they will eventually make for a great story.
• Do not attempt to skip the gift shop lest the children engage in violent revolt. Instead, provide crisp $10 bills for each child, and turn them loose. They will all end up persuading you to let them spend at least $20. Pretend you are benevolent and allow them to do this. 
• Whatever gear, outfits, headgear or bags you bring for the children, you will eventually be carrying.
• You will also eventually be carrying each/all of your children.
• Persuade any reluctant children ages 8 and under that riding in a stroller is nothing to be ashamed of.
• Put all of your essentials (phone, wallet, keys, ID, pills, device charger[s], change of underwear) in one bag and never ever ever ever let it out of your sight while in transit. Carry it onto the plane, carry it on your back on the train, etc.
• For bigger trips, here’s how to track your children, provide emergency contact, and entertain them: 
  • Buy older phones for like $50 for each of your children, add the phones temporarily to your mobile plan, and attach them to each child during travel (in their backpack, on a lanyard, whatever). 
  • In the contacts, program ONLY the numbers of responsible adults in your party and label them accordingly: Mom, Dad, Uncle Gary, etc. That way, if they get lost, any responsible adult who finds them can look at the phone and dial one of you. Or if they’re old enough, the kids can dial you themselves. 
  • Encourage the kids to use the phone cameras to take pictures and shoot video. This will keep them engaged at key moments, and you’ll be fascinated by their literal and figurative perspective. Also, a lot of what they shoot will be garbage. Also also, they may shoot video of you talking shit about people when you’re in the car or something. So be sure to go through and delete anything dumb or incriminating. 
• Whenever you’re going to be somewhere your native tongue is not universally spoken, download pertinent language packs for Google Translate to your phone. This will allow you to converse with locals in a pinch, regardless of cellular connectivity. Because face it, your Spanish/French/German/Portuguese/Mandarin is not very good. 
• Try to speak the local language anyway. 
• When you’re renting a car, get the extra insurance coverage.  
• Yes, go do and see the big tourist attractions. But also consider taking side trips or small trips to places where regional folks would go. Eg, find the little beach town that Barcelonians escape to when they’re tired of living in one of the most enchanting cities in the world. 
• Do not overplan. Because what will happen is the overplanner will get really married to whatever the stupid plan is, and it's never going to work out. [See above about timing.] 
• Do not underplan. Because inevitably you will find yourself in some incredible location and will have nothing specific to see or do, and you will deeply regret missing the opportunity.
• When in doubt about a plan, open a mapping app on your phone, find the green space, and chart a course for it. It will almost certainly be a park, landmark, historic site, or at least something more interesting than nowhere, which is the place you will otherwise be.
• [From my 8 year old]: Don't forget that your child is going to get car sick.
• Bring electronic devices to entertain the children. 
• Always charge the devices the night before.
• Make sure to bring a camera.
• Document the funny, small things that happen--the inside jokes, the funny quips that people say, the quirky whatzits that happen as you go. Literally have an app open--like a notes app or Google Docs or something--and every time something funny or goofy or notable happens, whip out your phone and make a note.
• Don't use your photos and remembrances to whitewash the experience. Take a picture of your kid when they're melting down. Make a note of that awful but hilarious thing your teenager said to you about how much they hate sand when you’re visiting the pyramids. Keep the nail that popped your tire. Etc.
• Bring a blanket if you can.
• [More from the 8-year-old peanut gallery]: Make sure your kids know where you're going. If you're going to a hotel, make sure there's a pool. Actually, just always make sure there's a pool.
•  Make sure YOU know where you’re going.
• Download area maps to your phone ahead of time, BEFORE you lose cell service.
• Force your family and loved ones to engage in mid-day and end-of-day recaps. Quiz them on their favorite thing of the day, and/or their least favorite thing of the day. This is how you create story and culture and memories.
• Go the extra mile, sometimes literally. By that I mean if there's an extra loop on the hiking trail, take it. If there's another bend on the beach to walk around, follow it. If there's a weird little back room in that neat store, go check it out. If the museum has another floor, at least breeze through it before you leave.
• Kids are ungrateful little dicks and will complain about everything the whole time. But they'll absorb a lot more from the experience than you think they will.
• Decide ahead of time what types of tchotchkes or souvenirs to bring home. For example, shoes. Or pottery. Or paintings. Or relevant books. Or shot glasses. [Just kidding--don’t collect shot glasses.] 
• Do your research ahead of time. Read the reviews. Sniff around for that special unique weird thing that one of the locals knows about.
• Play mad libs in the car.
• Remember the four C's: caffeine, calories, catnap, and...uh...cwater. [Also spelled “water,” without the C.]
• Eat and drink local and specific foods and beverages whenever possible. Except for when you have to once again go to the goddamn McDonald’s in Rome because [see above] that’s all kids want to eat, and you’re required by law to occasionally put food in them. 
• Don't overlook the weird and cool stuff you can do close to home. Not every adventure has to be in some faraway locale. 
• Do research, including asking local friends and acquaintances for tips.
• Keep a spreadsheet of places and things.
• Mark them in your Google maps.
• Force yourself and your family to do them by and by.
• As Adventure Captain, one of your most important jobs is keeping an eye on the stragglers. Who is the most tired, the most cranky, the least satisfied? Attend to this person and meet their basic needs. Repeat as necessary.
• Always have a backup plan. And have a backup plan for the backup plan.  
• Create a figurative Fuck-It Bucket. Place things in this bucket liberally, and encourage others in your adventure party to do the same.
• You're going to have to improvise a lot. 
• Stop for a sec every now and then and quietly absorb whatever is in front of you.
• Try not to take anything personally.
  
  ​Please tell us about your own adventure tricks, tips, and maxims, that we may make this list ever greater and more comprehensive: [email protected].

Love,
Adventure Hat